There is an old expression that decrees “Be easy on others and hard on yourself”. To a degree, it is a wise proverb. However, with forgiveness, it can be detrimentally misapplied, particularly when we are the culprits. Not forgiving yourself can lead to deep discouragement, guilt, depression and even hopelessness.
Do you have events, undertakings, spoken words or failures in your life that make you shiver or make you embarrassed or ashamed when you recall them occurring? If not, you either have no conscience or have truly forgiven yourself. I hope it is the latter. Not being aware of wrongdoing may also be a deficiency that causes us to go down the wrong paths in life. Socrates wrote that “The unaware life is not worth living”. If that is your burden, work to realize who you really are as part of your ongoing journey.
As one who has taken part in ugly events, wrong undertakings, hurtful spoken words and miserable failures I have been at that crossroad many times of forgive or carry the burden for the rest of my life. I have “chosen” to forgive myself. But, if you do this also, you know it isn’t easy. It may be a leadership event that you now know was mishandled. It may be behavior that was illegal, hateful, deceitful and simply sinful. You may have said some things to people that now make you cringe when you think about them. Or it may be a failed attempt at something that perhaps you should have known better than undertake. Man, I hate those times! I am embarrassed thinking about them as I write this. And yet, I know and am fully committed to repentance, asking forgiveness and moving forward, because it is better than the alternative – not forgiving myself. That is a road that only leads us to a place known as Disaster. The weight of it can be backbreaking.
Think of it another way, as a cloud of “those things which you regret” surrounding you day and night. Haunting you, torturing you and making your steps scary and uncertain. How could you ever see clearly? How could you ever have an unobstructed vision for yourself, your team or your family? How could you ever be free to be who you are meant to be? That is why it is terribly unhealthy to not forgive yourself. After all, are you not human? Are you not imperfect? Do you believe that God forgives you? I do. Think of David and his sin with Bathsheba and then having her husband killed. Think of the Apostle Paul, who persecuted Christians even unto death. Both became great men of God. They surely forgave themselves! Remember that we all have three things in common (yes, all of us):
1. We will die from our current life someday and we know not when that will happen
2. None of us are perfect
3. We all make mistakes
A fourth commonality then is that we all need to forgive ourselves. Not that we don’t have remorse, make amends, have pain for a time, but the anchor must be unloosed before we can sail. To repeat what Socrates wrote “An unaware life is not worth living”. I say, “A life with no self-forgiveness will never fulfil”. So be easy on others, yes, to a degree. It is important to forgive so you yourself can be free of the anger, resentment, hurt or cynicism that will hold you back and keep you a slave to your inability top forgive. Those things will harden your heart if allowed to cling to you. And a hard heart is not open to very much at all, including real personal growth. And even that is often very difficult and takes intent and repeated effort to get you to the freedom of really letting go of what others have done to you. But keep forgiving. It is so worth it! Forgiving another is really no different from forgiving yourself. Without it each can damage you in ways ranging from impeding your growth all the way to debilitating your life and can surely derail an otherwise productive person. So, don’t hold on to that part of your past and be intentional about your repentance, altering such behavior and moving forward. Then you will find that you may still beat yourself up for a time, but once you have taking the steps to progress, you should not be hard on yourself for too long.