There is nothing uncommon about needing a mentor, teacher, role model or sage advisor to turn to in times of need. It is even better if you look to them as part of your “continuous improvement curriculum” and not just during crises. So, the question is – do you do this on a regular, open-minded and seeking basis? To do so, you first must have some measure of courage or a sense of self-security and self-confidence to release yourself from self-restrictive internal wiring that often tells you “no” to seeking help.
Speaking personally, I know fully the cage in which you can find yourselves. Stepping out of your comfort zone (as it has been for me – repeatedly) is often the only way to break free of the self-inflicted chains where you can discover yourselves bound. First, you must find that you are bound. With that realization, you can begin to determine to change your situation by getting into the game of self-improvement through various ways, including a mentoring or role model relationship.
Notice how often I used the word “self” in the first two paragraphs. It was to make the point that I am who gets in the way of “Me.” I can make many excuses, find sufficient justification, develop intellectual rationalizations about making it ok to point the “finger” elsewhere. However, I am he who gets in the way of me. Don’t blame the “dream killers” in your life. Blame yourself for hanging around with them.
Some find it easy and comfortable to seek advice. Those of you who seek help without hesitation likely learned that it was a good thing from Mom, Dad, Grandmother, Grandfather or an excellent teacher from your younger days. Others, like me, found it difficult in the early stages. For those who find it easy to ask for help – if you don’t already have a mentor or role model relationship, why are you waiting? Are you complacent (perhaps lazy)? You can’t possibly believe that you have all the wisdom there is to have. You are much too bright for that!
For those of you who find it difficult to seek and build such relationships (without exploring all the reasons why), let’s say for some of you seeking mentoring was an admission of deficiency. Wow! When perfection is how you want to illustrate, trying to correct a weakness is a steep path to follow. In fact, it could become very revealing and painful.
So how then can you begin despite your fear? How can you step out into the uncomfortable world of vulnerability? How about if you start with something less stressful, less public and more between “Me and I”? One of the ways I found it easier to “tackle myself” was through books and, believe it or not, movies. I have my favorite books and authors and my favorite heroes, both real and fictional. From the encouragement of these tools, and the desires of my heart to become “more” and “better,” I have been able to become more open to asking for sage advice and help. I guess you could say that I gained the ability to trust others with my life story and my life challenges. Thank God! I have often said that we all have one thing in common – none of us is perfect? We also have a second thing in common – we all need to be loved. It isn’t easy to be vulnerable unless you feel safe. Providing safety for someone is caring for them enough to commit to being safe for them.
As a bit of an aside, I sometimes talk about the concept of “Brother’s Keeper.” Brother’s Keeper is not necessarily a “mentoring” role, but very similar. When practiced appropriately it will draw teams closer, help them be more effective, and provide an effective and safe growth environment. The idea is to care enough about each other and to get to know each other well enough to hold one another to our best. The keys are 1) to know each other and 2) to care for each other. Brother’s Keeper is a proven practice to help build strong leaders and better performers. If one of my teammates knows that I am off track, it is their responsibility to “call” me on it. It is that simple but not that easy. Fear gets in the way of doing the right thing sometimes. So, a measure of courage is needed. Moreover, it should always be done with concern or love for the other person so that it isn’t mean-spirited. Mean-spirited call outs are often abusive call outs.
John Maxwell’s, The Law of Modeling – It’s Hard to Improve When You Have No One But Yourself to Follow describes how a mentor or role model should be if valuable to the mentee in the Law of Modeling. Whether mentoring others or searching for a mentor, it is good to know what a mentor should represent. Here are a few qualities mentioned in 15 Valuable Laws of Growth to consider:
A. A good mentor is a worthy example
B. A good mentor is available
C. A good mentor has proven experience
D. A good mentor possesses wisdom
E. A good mentor provides friendship and support
F. A good mentor is a coach who makes a difference in people’s lives or someone who has the courage not only to encourage but to add value in other ways such as using Brother’s Keeper to help a mentee.
Think about some of the names for ‘‘coach” from other cultures: (all of which mean one who goes before and shows the way):
A. Sensei – one who has traveled further down the path
B. Guru – “gu” darkness, “ru” – someone who brings light to darkness
C. Lama – one with spiritual authority
D. Maestro – a Master of Music
E. Tutor – a private teacher
F. Guide – one who shows the way
G. Mentor – a wise and trusted counselor
My role models today include authors whom I believe – and savor the wisdom they offer; western movie characters (that’s right); an old evangelist: an older gentleman who calls me “Young Brian” (imagine that), a former high school principal (now deceased) who once kicked my butt in front of the entire girls’ basketball team, and of course John Maxwell and God himself. From each, I continue to receive revelations (some painful), encouragement, wisdom, inspiration, and motivation. They are all part of my Mentor Program and my continuous improvement process. They, in turn, equip me to be a mentor for others ranging from business owners to homeless shelter residents.
So, we can all be well advised to always keep in touch with the books and the people that widen our horizon and make it possible for us to stretch ourselves. So, if you don’t have a mentor or multiple mentors, it is highly recommended seek them out, because as John states “It’s Hard to Improve When You Have No One But Yourself to Follow.”