I am writing this blog as the 3rd in a series of 6 Cornerstone Moment leadership topics and ask you to consider this concept: communication is the number 1 success factor.

When I think about some of the things that I have said in my lifetime that were not uplifting, I realize that they were far too numerous.  They were sometimes hurtful, degrading and diminishing.  Who am I to have the right or authority to do this to someone else?

When I thought about what the root cause may have been or what was on my heart when I said those things, what did I learn?  I learned that my heart was hurting or that I was afraid or angry inside.  Yep, it was really me and not “them” that caused the words of my mouth to come from the meditations of my heart.  And my heart was considering only me at that moment.  I was not making an intentional effort to see those people as real people and not objects.  That was poor communication at the very least.

Something of such importance should be given careful consideration, the practice of continuous improvement and preparation. Preparing how we will communicate is a prudent practice.  We should begin by understanding the end goal of our communication.  “What is my desired message?” Follow that by carefully planning before sending the message or speaking one on one with the recipient. Try to think about how the receiver will view the message and take their feelings into consideration, particularly if a crucial or difficult conversation.  In my Servanthood Cornerstone Moment, I wrote about putting the other person first.  This is a time to do that.

Delivery of your message is not always easy, but the simpler the better. Complex concepts may be difficult to communicate.  Making them easier to comprehend will enable the listener to have a clearer understanding and therefore be more apt to accept the message. Former president, Ronald Reagan was considered by most to be a master communicator.  His use of simple words: “family, work, neighborhood, freedom, peace” were understandable and effective.

Expressing your meaning when communicating is especially important to your credibility and the trust of the recipient.  There is a difference between quiet conviction and loud or unauthentic enthusiasm.  Some try to sound convincing but lack the conviction to make themselves believable.  The best rule of thumb, if you don’t believe it, don’t communicate it. Expressions such as “This will be GREAT for your career”; “There is no other way to accomplish this”; “I MUST do this” are all potential attempted communications that may be disingenuous and or misguided. Believe in it and then say or write it.  Not until!

Clearly communicating the action that is to be taken is the correct way to communicate the task or request.  Being nebulous or “wishy-washy” when communicating leaves unanswered questions and potential unintentional wrong turns.  So, say what you mean and mean what you say (or write). That way there is less room for inaccurate interpretation.

And if that is not sufficient or there is any doubt regarding the understanding of what was communicated, ask the recipient if they understand and perhaps even delicately ask them to repeat it to you.  “Sometimes I don’t say things as clearly as I should, can you tell me what you understand from our conversation, so that I am not putting you in an awkward position?”

When receiving a message, there are some critical variables to consider.  The most difficult concept to consistently remember is that we have two ears and one mouth.  Why do you think that is?  I think it is because God wants us to listen more than talk. If we listen so to hear we must do more than listen.  We must focus and then do our best to understand.  Keeping an open mind is difficult when we want to respond to someone prior to them finishing what they have to say.  And yet it is both important and informative.  I know, keeping an open mind when we all have our own opinion is difficult.

Even though we may disagree, identifying key points in the message can help us avoid “jumping in with both feet”, if you know what I mean.  And developing a mindset, through building courage, that enables us to accept constructive feedback is a way that facilitates our growth.  Think feedback, not criticism, and it may remove some of the sting and make it easier. And then, if we really want to make a connection between deliverer and receiver, we confirm our understanding to best complete the communication.

After every communication, it is good to take time to evaluate your effectiveness.  And don’t believe your writing, speaking, or listening will always be “up to snuff”.  You are not perfect.  Welcome to the club. It may take a few days or some additional follow up to determine how well it went but it is always good to make that assessment.  And make it an honest one!

If you realize it didn’t go well, it is always best to take corrective action.  It may require eating some “humble pie”.  I never much liked the taste of it but as I get older it is much more palatable.  It is OK to say “I made a mistake”; “I misstated that idea”; “I was not being truthful with you”; I was too harsh with you”; “ I have the feeling that I may not have explained things as I should have, please let me try again”, and so on.

Remember these things:

Communication skills are the #1 success factor
Seek simple solutions to complex problems – simplify your message
Be decisive
Have clear and consistent priorities
Focus on those you communicate with (sending and receiving)
Solicit a response and / or provide a response
Those things that come out of the mouth proceed from the heart

And if you can, communicate with a smile… it will relieve stress and you may be healthier, happier, and live longer! To your success!