The beauty of the flip of the calendar for most of us is we receive a renewed hope for a better upcoming year. There are events and milestones we look forward to and habits we would like to lose. Maybe one of those habits is poor communication. Others may include unhealthy eating, the lack of exercise, the lack of spiritual nourishment or laziness. If you are a manager or leader in a business, a household or other unit, your habits will impact those environments. And beneath each of these lies something else. None of the bad habits listed cause themselves. They are habits, not conditions.
I recently read an article by author and professor Dr. Laurel Shaler, 5 Harmful Habits You Need to Unlearn in the New Year. Dr. Shaler wrote: “New Year’s resolutions often center around those hard harmful practices that are hard to give up. In order to be successful, you not only have to change behaviors but thoughts and attitudes too. Many of these not only impact us personally, but they impact our relationships too,”.
Do you make resolutions each year? I don’t, but I do set goals. My goals are few and important to my continuous improvement or something I want to achieve for the accomplishment itself. And because they are goals, they show up in my long-term plan, my weekly and daily plans and are reviewed monthly. I no longer break resolutions. I may alter my plans along the way or sometimes fail to complete everything. Is that the same as breaking a New Year’s resolution? Not for me, because I learn more from plan failures than broken resolutions. Resolutions are usually only action items while plans include big goals.
Soon after I wrote the Cornerstone Moment The Present is the Present, I stumbled onto a Spencer Johnson (author of Who Moved My Cheese?) book, The Present. The book emphasizes the concept of focus. If your focus is on longer term goals versus action items, you can still get to where you want to go by keeping your eyes on the target. If your 2020 goal is to improve your physical wellbeing, versus losing 10 lbs. you may find other important improvements outside of weight loss.
And that leads to one of Dr. Shaler’s habits to unlearn, Insecurity. She writes “Perhaps you find yourself feeling like you’re not worthy of something in your relationships—of love, of attention, of time together, of forgiveness. Don’t feel good enough? Smart enough? Attractive enough? That’s insecurity.” I don’t consider insecurity a habit. I consider insecurity a condition that causes behavior that is frequently detrimental or destructive such as those habits that we mentioned earlier. If you are afraid you may communicate poorly. If you feel unloved you may medicate by eating unhealthy comfort food. If you are worried about failure, you may appear to be lazy at work.
Full disclosure, I know what some of those feelings are like, and through the years discovered how they affected my behavior. One of the things I learned was that insecurity has a ripple effect. It doesn’t stop with the pain of feeling unloved, unlovable or something else. The reach of that condition goes way beyond you and touches not only those close but most with whom you make frequent contact.
The good news is that you can change and heal. The first step is learning the root of the matter. Understanding the underlying cause is revealing. It also helps identify what needs to be changed so that you can proceed with a plan to improve. It may be painful, but it is worth it! In Jim Collins’ book Good to Great, he emphasizes the need to be realistic about where your business stands before you can determine how to proceed. It is no different for people! If you don’t know where and who you are, how can you know what to do to arrive at your desired destination.
We all experience things that scare us. They can be painful, haunting and difficult. The difference maker is how we respond. Recognizing them and finding that safe place in our head is important to us for taking corrective action. If the issue is large enough, counseling may be needed. Having a mentor is useful. Finding a trustworthy accountability partner helps keep one honest and grounded. Guard your eyes, ears and heart from derailing people, places, writing, music, temptations and behavior. And through it all, it is of utmost importance to focus on improvement and the big picture. It isn’t a resolution, it’s your life. If you want a new one, you can have it. Take it from someone who has been blessed to discover that reducing insecurity will change your life.