Each day brings both opportunities and requirements to decide whether to be a peacemaker or war-wager. Sometimes those opportunities ascend to the mountaintop of bliss and sometimes they spiral into the ‘stinker” abyss. As for you, it is your choice to determine what your behavior path will take. No, it isn’t anyone else’s choice. Neither you nor I can excuse our behavior. It is ours and we own it. And we love to take credit for the bliss, but nearly always try to skirt responsibility for the abyss.
A “stinker” is defined by Merriam-Webster as: an offensive or contemptible person; something of very poor quality; slang: something extremely difficult
If you have been to the abyss before you know what it feels and metaphorically smells like. It isn’t a pleasant experience. It can undermine confidence and impede progress when one is trying to continuously improve. That situation, if allowed, can become a wall between who you are and who you want to be. Making decisions that take a relationship into a dark place should make you feel contemptible, acting in poor quality and difficult. If you never feel that way, the standard of your conscience is not where or what it should be. Who’s is it? Where does it come from? Can it be trusted?
If you think you haven’t been in that place, you have either forgotten about it or yet to be born. We have all been there! That is life and inevitable. None of us are perfect! The key is not that it occurred but what you learned from it so not to repeat the act with frequency. I have been both taken and taken others into a negative space during conversations too many times. For me, those occurrences were rooted in matters of control and power struggles between us. Often, I appeared “right” and therefore justified in my behavior. I felt proud of putting them in their place. These days, those times are a source of pain for me. They could have been largely avoided or at least disarmed if I would have behaved differently, no matter what the other party did or said. When I reconsider those confrontations, I see clearly how I was never without blame for the plunge. The expression “It takes two to tango” is so very accurate! Have you ever been embarrassed or humiliated by your own behavior as you gain insight from hindsight? Ouch!
With gained insight, how could you have transformed that relationship and rescued it from the pit and taken it to the mountaintop? What could have made the difference so to have peace instead of war? The answer is not what but who. That who is you. You could have made the difference, just as I could have on multiple occasions. In scripture (Philippians 2:4) it is written: “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others.” Imagine if everyone did that. Even if only in half of the times chosen to go in the opposite direction, it could change the world, let alone a relationship or two. That is what Servant Leadership is all about. If you consider others instead of only yourself, during times of difficulty, an agreement could emerge in place of a battle. With every conflict, you have an incredible opportunity to transform the difficult relationships in your life into blessings by responding with humility, compassion, and kindness. That will draw followers to leaders and make peace instead of war.
The evolution of your standard of behavior is critical to becoming a transformer versus a troublemaker. You can either focus on peace and improving relationships or allow battles and discourse. It’s much easier than you think to be a troublemaker. There is a great deal of self-righteous behavior in our world today. All you have to do is turn on some form of media or read a so-called news article to find that out. And if you are still not convinced, run the replay of a couple of days in your life to see what I mean. Depending on your standard of conscience, you will see varying degrees of riotous behavior. The higher your bar, the more you will see. What you do that falls below that bar creates tension internally and externally. Whether you lead, follow or watch from the sidelines, remember that actions cause reactions. From Newton’s Third Law of Motion: “According to Newton’s third law, for every action force there is an equal (in size) and opposite (in direction) reaction force. Forces always come in pairs – known as action-reaction force pairs.”
Understanding that, helps understand that if you pull someone it is easier than pushing them. I believe it was a German car manufacturer who used in its advertisements the statement “It is better to pull than to push”. You have also heard that honey is more attractive than vinegar. Raising your bar to be a person who subscribes to the two great commandments from Jesus 1) to love God with all your heart mind and soul and 2) love your neighbor as yourself (paraphrased), will help you with continuous improvement and keep you out of the “stinker” zone. Communication, personality traits and physical actions all belong in this realm of determining both what your standards are and how closely you are to adherence. The higher you set your sights, the more likely you are to ascend into the bliss of peace and the less likely you are to descend into the abyss of war.